Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
