My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
