she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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