FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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