could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
