I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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