God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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