we should wear snuggies to the strip club
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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