The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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