finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
oh god was she eating orange peels again
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
