Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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