i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
