Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
