just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
