News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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