He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
