Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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