Got a toothbrush?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
