i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
