The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
