My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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