yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
