a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Randomize
