I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
