we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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