Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
