All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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