alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
