Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
