So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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