I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
