Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
