I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
