oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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