P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
