in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
