you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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