Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
