He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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