woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Randomize
