I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
