My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
