True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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