Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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