I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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