the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
