He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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