my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
