I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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