i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
