I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
