I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
